Hard Days

You know the phrase: If you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all. On the hard days I hesitate to write. I don’t want my memories to be negative. So I tend to paint a picture that is only joyful, happy and easy.

But that’s not always how life goes. And right now we have some pretty tough days. Sure I can chalk most of it up to my attitude. And I know a simple adjustment will always make things better. But sometimes I just want to be in a bad mood. Like when Alex is gone four days straight, and I am repeating the same five sentences over and over to my two year old. Like when all I want is the trash to be taken out and yet it sits under the sink stinking up the entire apartment. Or my coffee just wasn’t great this morning. Or, you know, when I’ve begged and pleaded with management to give us new carpet, but instead my little one is learning to wiggle and move on this old and tattered floor. Those are the small things that add up to big things and make it impossible to smile. But yet I can look back at the smiling photos of Eleanor and Ruthie and only remember the good moments of the day.  That is the pure genius of our brains, to help us move on from the bad and remember only the joy.

I wonder what my memories from this year of life will be. With a two year old, an infant, and a teeny, damp apartment. Will I remember the friendships, the trips to the library and park, the excitement when Alex walks through the door and smiles on their faces. Or will I remember the cries, the whines, the endless string of questions, the countless times I’ve asked for the play-doh to be picked up, and the poopy diapers? Or should I remember the sweet moments laying on the floor reading books to my toddler and tickling my baby.

I am grateful for this year of life. For the ability to stay home with my girls and not stress about a job or making money. I am grateful that I get to be the one there for the ups and downs. That I am home to make sure Alex gets to eat a meal when he is only able to be home two hours a day and that even if we watch too much television, we are all doing it together.

This year is not easy. But it is good.

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